Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall

Today, when I look in the mirror, what I see scares me.

Not because I look fat, or anything even remotely anorexic.

But when I look in the mirror, I don't see a girl staring back at me. I see a boy hidden behind girls clothes wanting to break free.

And it scares me.

Not because I don't think it's not okay to be transgender, but because...I've always been a girly-girl. I've always loved frilly dressy and bright colors, but now... I'm starting to find guys clothes more appealing, I like the idea of having something in-between my legs, and I like the idea of being a boy.

I'm terrified.

I've been having these feelings for a while now, but this is the hardest it's hit and for the longest.

I don't want to look at a mirror. I don't want to see the boy staring back at me. I don't want to be scared of it.

But I am.

And I'm slowly loosing myself, un-winding and falling.

If I was a boy, would I still be EDNOS?

If I was a boy, would people still love me and want to be my friend?

If I was a boy, would I hate myself this much?

If I was a boy, would I be happy?

I'm desperately searching, frantically worrying, extremely terrified.

Who am I?

Was I supposed to be a boy?

Help me.