-_-

My throat is catching with sobs that I'm not letting out, my eye sight is a litte blury from the few tears that have escaped or are about to, my stomach is so full (I hatehatehate that feeling), and I just want phone sex with Lovina. I'm craving it. Hard.

And I feel like a horrible girlfriend to Luddy (we're going out this weekend to the movies for my birthday). I can't help but want to just burst into tears and tell him what I did and beg for forgiveness. I want to let him know I'm starving myself.  He's such a great boyfriend. He's sweet, and funny, and amazing, but... I just don't have that insane feeling with him that I do with Lovina...

And Feliciana told me today that she can "sense that I'm hiding something from her." I'm scared she's going to find out and then shove food in my mouth till I go back to my old weight and then tell me to loose it normally. I'm scared she's going to filp a lid and tell Alfie and together they will make me get better.
I don't want to get better.

I know they love and care for me, but I wish they didn't. I don't want many people to care for me, because I hate being a failure to them. I hate failing/being a failure in general. 

I don't want anyone to love and care for me, because I hate dissapointing them and I do it all the time. I don't want to be this anymore.

Damnit, I want to be skinny and free. I want to be that girl that everyone else is jealous of. I want to have that sense of calm flooding my veins and seeping out of my soul before pouring out onto everyone else. I want to be that girl that never dissapoints anyone and is perfect.

I want to be perfect.

 

At least on the surface I want to look perfecet.