Failure

Okay, so do any of you know that feeling that clouds your mind, makes your stomach reel, and your heart fill with dread? I do. It's been consuming me all week! I gained 2 pounds in one friggin' week. Like, seriously!?

 Failure is such a miserable feeling.

Fat, Ugly, Cow, Failure, Disapointment, Anger, Stupid, Worthless. Those are just some of the words that suffocate me on a daily basis. The only person I can find comfort in is Ana. She's the only person who will take me in her arms and forgive me for every single thing I've done. She punishes me when I've done wrong, forcing me to stick my fingers down my throat till I puke my guts out. She's the only one who has the answer to being skinny. The only one who loves me, not for who I am, but for what I can be, and that's so much better than what I am now. Her determination sends me deeper into this. Ana is my only true friend. Well, Mia is too. Mia is the one that tells me there is an answer. She's Ana's best friend, and an accomplice that I feel I need to follow if I disobey the rules Ana gives me. Mia comes hand-in-hand with my dearest Ana.

You know you can do better.

I know Ana, I'm sorry.

You're pathetic. You need to realize that if you continue to binge this much, you're never going to be thin.

N-not going to be thin?

NO. Do you really think you would even be where you were if it weren't for me?

No...

Of course! You need to stop rebeling against me! I swear, there is only so much one can take.

Don't leave me, Ana!

I won't. Just work harder.

Yes ma'am. I swear to you! I pledge my eternal following. I will try as hard as I can to not leave your caring side again. I love you, Ana. You make me thin, pretty, everything I've always wanted to be. I will do anything for you.

Good, good. Now, my dear, remember. I will always accept you back into my arms. But, if you tell anyone, I will be forced to leave you. They will ruin our friendship.

They can't! I won't tell anyone! You mean to much to me for me to loose you. I don't want you gone from me. You're the only one I truly need in my life. Without you, I'd be even worse off!

Yes, you would. You must thank M-Style for that. She's the one that introduced us. M-Style is the only other person you may ever turn to, seeing as she is your ana-buddy. Let here now your fears, as she shares them. Share tricks with her. Be there for her. Got it?

Yes, I do. I will always keep M-Style by my side. I love her! She gave me you, and for that I will always be in her debt.

Haha. Stay strong, girl. You will make it one day, both you and M-Style. Remember, you WILL be fat if you eat today.

And that is a normal conversation I have with my dearest Ana. Guilt courses through me every time I hear her say how much she says she cares about me being thin. I can't disobey her anymore. It hurts me too much. I can't do it! Ana is my savior, and I must keep her close.

I love her so much...

~AnaMia124