Better than Me

Why do I torture myself and listen to that fucking song? I know that any time I listen to it it makes me cry. I can't keep doing this to myself, but I do. It's a great song, but dammit. It makes me think of Lucia. Of how much I miss her. Of how much I can't deal with not being with her. Even if I love Luddy, he doesn't fill that hole in my heart. It's like half of my heart isn't with me anymore. I don't feel whole without her. I'm not myself without my princess around. I am her sunshine... and I was stupid enough to end it. Twice. I'm a fucking horrible person.

I don't care if she lived 1,033 miles away. I don't care if it would have been a 17hr 22min drive to get to her house. I fucking miss her text messages, her sweet as sugar sayings (like "I will never <3 you, but I will always love you."), our phone calls that kept me up hours past my bedtime, the smutty text messages... I miss everything. My heart is just lying limp within me. My brain is screaming at me that I'm stupid and a horrible person.

I just want her back. I also want Luddy, seeing as he lives closer and goes to my school. If Lucia lived closer... I wouldn't be with anyone else. I would just stay with her no matter what. It's hard to do a long distance relationship. But fuck it. I'm almost about to say "Fuck love and relationships.They never work out anyways!"

I haven't told anyone all these feelings. And even this barely scrapes the surface at how much pain and agony I am in. I can only imagine how Lucia feels... And how Luddy will feel if he reads this.

I don't want to continue this. I am hurting myself. I hurt Lucia greatly and now she's not speaking to me. I hurt too many people. I don't have control over anything (but my eating) in my life anymore. I hatehatehateahate it.

Sorry that this wasn't much about Ana... I just had to get this out... Even if it barely helped me...

~AnaMia124