Worst Feeling in the World

I am going insane right now. Cramping, headache, swelling, hungry, sore throat, and everything. I am sick and tired of everything.

I cannot fucking do this anymore... :'( I really cannot. I just. I. Blah.

My Hair

I don't know why I feel like I need to post this. Maybe it is because I am super fucking happy, but I got my hair done.

I think I look cute as fuck.

Yeah.

Bye.

DisenchantED

Does anyone know anything about Catherineofsiena/Scarlett?

She was my favorite blogger. I miss her blog so much and I also miss her. I want to know if she is okay. If anyone does know, please contact me.

If you do it - I'll do it.

The worst fucking thing you can tell a self-harmer is that you'll do it if they do it.

I, from experience, can tell you it only drives me further into insanity and brings me panic attacks and nightmares. There is only one person I can handle telling me that and that is Sora. But other than that, just no. And that's because of the relationship Sora and I have. One of us does something, the other does too. I don't know why he's the only person it is okay with... But it's usually because he's on the phone with me when he says it and he can calm me down.

But I just had someone tell me that they're going to cut because I did. I froze, started shaking, and started crying.

No.
That is not allowed.
Nope.
Nada.
Zilch.
Nein.
Asdfghjkl.

I just don't get how... How someone can do that to me. Now it's like... If I screw up, so and so screws up too. It's not okay. I can't handle that. I just can't. I would be so fucking scared. And that fear would drive me to more self harm which would only make the cycle worse.

I just don't understand people. They think that it is the only way to get me to stop. Nope. It is the only way to secure the fact that I will end up doing it again.

I want help, a friend, someone who won't scream at me for doing it, but they show their disappointment.

This is an addiction, a fucking problem. It is not curable over night and someone that tells you it is, is lying to you.

Yeah, mind over matter. Definitely. But people go to REHAB for addictions. Self harm is a fucking addiction. So deal.

I just... Gah. I hate how I am feeling right now. I really am. I am so close to doing it again because of that....

Neglect

So, I've neglected the blog for about a year. Over this time period, I have lost M-Style, lost almost all of my friends from last year, made new friends, lost them as well, became far more active online, became best friends with a guy who destroyed me in one night (we're slowly becoming friends again), dated someone who mentally and emotionally abused me (2 or 3 times), lost Lovina, gained a shit ton of weight, my mother moved to Ohio, got into Therapy and full on recovery (failing at that), and met my new boyfriend.

Yeah. There's a hell of a whole lot more that has happened, but to say the least it has been an eventful year.

But the part that hurts the most is the weight. I'm almost back up to my HW. I need to lose. I plan on losing about 30-45 lbs (about 2-3 stones) by the end of the year, hopefully sooner.

I've been binging a lot this week, but I blame the fact that my entire mindset Is wacked, as is all of me right now. Going through a hell of a whole lot of flashbacks and been screamed at for eating less.

But this needs to stop. I can't find lax at my gas station any more, they've stopped selling it, and I don't know where else to get it because of the simple fact that I am about to turn 15 in 16 days. I am severely frightened of that fact and I am also like unsure of what this next year is going to bring...

Also, as an update, I haven't purged in like 3 weeks, and I cut/burnt last night.

Question: How have you guys been?

~AnaMia124

Recovery Over

I'm back bitches.

Recovery

If you guys want, I'll post throughout my own self recovering with findings and new stuff I'm discovering.

I am recovering. Been eating correctly for almost a month, which makes me extremely happy...

So, yeah, if you want, I'll post more about it... Whatever.

I just wanted all of you who read this to know I'm getting better and I haven't died...