He may say that he likes me for me. He may say that he asked me out now because he finally got the courage. He may say he doesn't want me to change. I know those are lies though. I crave to be skinny. I crave to be small. Maybe not smaller than him, but I want him to be able to pick me up and spin me around. Is that too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask for my damn boyfriend to be able to pick me up? That sure as hell ain't happening now! I am way too big for him to do that. I am craving that feeling of being as wieghtless as the air. I am craving thin.
Craving thin... I am suffocating at this weight. All my thoughts revolve around being small. I am the biggest out of my friends (well, my boobs are pretty big, so that could be a reason but still). I hate that feeling. I can't share clothes with any of them. I always feel self-concious, because guess what!? More guys stare at them then me. I want to be pretty. My mind is telling me "You'll never be able to do it. You're a failure. That's why you got this big in the first place." And I want to give up. Give in. But I can't. I am going to push my own thoughts out and believe in Ana. I am going to fully accept her into my life. No more "I'm doing this, but not around my family." I'm going all out. Ana is my life.
I can't deal with this anymore. Either I am going to be thin, or I am going to die.
I feel like my emotions keep flip-floping. One moment, I'm all happy. The next I'm all emo. I don't know what's going on, but I keep bursting into tears at the weirdest moments. For an instant, I want to tell Luddy. I want to tell him that I am starving myself. I want to just let it out. I stop though. I look into the mirror and think "Oh, you can't have an eating disorder. You're too fat." And that calms me. I know that no one will believe me if I don't look like it. I know I have one, even though it's hard to admit. I'd rather call it a "lifestyle choice" but not many would agree with me on that. I do think though, at least in my case, that it is a lifestyle choice. I'm not going to tell Luddy. He would flip.
I also can't tell Luddy, because M-Style would loose it. This is our thing. I will keep it between us. It is our secret. We made a pact, and it's staying between us. I am not spilling it. I may be the Overshare Queen, who talks to much about sex and doesn't get phased by it, or lets too many people know some really stupid things, but this is something I just can't tell people. It's not something many people would be proud of or happy with.
The only thing keeping me going, is knowing that I will be thin. I can taste it. Thin is awaiting! I will get there, even if it is hard to believe.
I will keep you guys up to date on my Liquid (mostly water) Fast. I hope to keep it up for all of Saturday, hopefully most of Sunday, and then as much of Spring Break as possible. This is so important to me. I need to do this. I haven't been good lately.
I'll probably just spend my Spring Break gawking at beautifully thin girls. Hm... sounds like a pretty good Spring Break to me...
Well, I guess you'll hear from me tomorrow... and if I stay up late enough, you might get another post from me tonight... This blog is becoming my only hope... even if no one reads it, at least I am getting my feelings out. And maybe someone will read it and it will help them in their quest with Ana.
~AnaMia124
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