Today, when I look in the mirror, what I see scares me.
Not because I look fat, or anything even remotely anorexic.
But when I look in the mirror, I don't see a girl staring back at me. I see a boy hidden behind girls clothes wanting to break free.
And it scares me.
Not because I don't think it's not okay to be transgender, but because...I've always been a girly-girl. I've always loved frilly dressy and bright colors, but now... I'm starting to find guys clothes more appealing, I like the idea of having something in-between my legs, and I like the idea of being a boy.
I'm terrified.
I've been having these feelings for a while now, but this is the hardest it's hit and for the longest.
I don't want to look at a mirror. I don't want to see the boy staring back at me. I don't want to be scared of it.
But I am.
And I'm slowly loosing myself, un-winding and falling.
If I was a boy, would I still be EDNOS?
If I was a boy, would people still love me and want to be my friend?
If I was a boy, would I hate myself this much?
If I was a boy, would I be happy?
I'm desperately searching, frantically worrying, extremely terrified.
Who am I?
Was I supposed to be a boy?
Help me.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
4 Sides
There are four sides of me, battling. Each one of them wants to control me, to win my very existence.
The most sane part of me is screaming, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Just eat like a normal person you freak!"
Then there's the Ana part of me, that just loves to torture me. "You don't need to eat. Don't ever let a morsel of food pass through your pretty pink lips."
Then there's the Mia part. "Eat. Eat all you want. Then stick your fingers down your throat and force up all that nasty food."
And lastly, then EDNOS part. "Why can't you do both? Eat then purge and never eat again?"
Why am I torn?
Which one should I turn to?
What's wrong with me?
Someone... Help me... Please...
The most sane part of me is screaming, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Just eat like a normal person you freak!"
Then there's the Ana part of me, that just loves to torture me. "You don't need to eat. Don't ever let a morsel of food pass through your pretty pink lips."
Then there's the Mia part. "Eat. Eat all you want. Then stick your fingers down your throat and force up all that nasty food."
And lastly, then EDNOS part. "Why can't you do both? Eat then purge and never eat again?"
Why am I torn?
Which one should I turn to?
What's wrong with me?
Someone... Help me... Please...
Monday, April 23, 2012
Mechanical
The moment you decide to binge, it's like your mind stops working. All you can think about is stuffing your face full of food, any food. The more unhealthy, the better.
Your jaw hurts from chewing so much, and your stomach is bulging out. You ache from all the food inside you. There has to be a way to get it out of you! There has to be a way to stop feeling like such a failure. And you think "There is..." So you head to the bathroom, sink down to your knees, and stick your finger(s) down your throat and regurgitate all that food inside you. You do this until all that comes out is water tainted with blood.
Now your throat hurts from all that purging, you're dizzy from loosing all those nutrients so fast, the smell of vomit sticking to you.
You crawl into bed and wish to waist away, never wanting this to happen again, but, like always, it does.
Your movements are mechanical.
Your jaw hurts from chewing so much, and your stomach is bulging out. You ache from all the food inside you. There has to be a way to get it out of you! There has to be a way to stop feeling like such a failure. And you think "There is..." So you head to the bathroom, sink down to your knees, and stick your finger(s) down your throat and regurgitate all that food inside you. You do this until all that comes out is water tainted with blood.
Now your throat hurts from all that purging, you're dizzy from loosing all those nutrients so fast, the smell of vomit sticking to you.
You crawl into bed and wish to waist away, never wanting this to happen again, but, like always, it does.
Your movements are mechanical.
Monday, April 16, 2012
-_-
My throat is catching with sobs that I'm not letting out, my eye sight is a litte blury from the few tears that have escaped or are about to, my stomach is so full (I hatehatehate that feeling), and I just want phone sex with Lovina. I'm craving it. Hard.
And I feel like a horrible girlfriend to Luddy (we're going out this weekend to the movies for my birthday). I can't help but want to just burst into tears and tell him what I did and beg for forgiveness. I want to let him know I'm starving myself. He's such a great boyfriend. He's sweet, and funny, and amazing, but... I just don't have that insane feeling with him that I do with Lovina...
And Feliciana told me today that she can "sense that I'm hiding something from her." I'm scared she's going to find out and then shove food in my mouth till I go back to my old weight and then tell me to loose it normally. I'm scared she's going to filp a lid and tell Alfie and together they will make me get better.
I don't want to get better.
And I feel like a horrible girlfriend to Luddy (we're going out this weekend to the movies for my birthday). I can't help but want to just burst into tears and tell him what I did and beg for forgiveness. I want to let him know I'm starving myself. He's such a great boyfriend. He's sweet, and funny, and amazing, but... I just don't have that insane feeling with him that I do with Lovina...
And Feliciana told me today that she can "sense that I'm hiding something from her." I'm scared she's going to find out and then shove food in my mouth till I go back to my old weight and then tell me to loose it normally. I'm scared she's going to filp a lid and tell Alfie and together they will make me get better.
I don't want to get better.
I know they love and care for me, but I wish they didn't. I don't want many people to care for me, because I hate being a failure to them. I hate failing/being a failure in general.
I don't want anyone to love and care for me, because I hate dissapointing them and I do it all the time. I don't want to be this anymore.
Damnit, I want to be skinny and free. I want to be that girl that everyone else is jealous of. I want to have that sense of calm flooding my veins and seeping out of my soul before pouring out onto everyone else. I want to be that girl that never dissapoints anyone and is perfect.
I want to be perfect.
Damnit, I want to be skinny and free. I want to be that girl that everyone else is jealous of. I want to have that sense of calm flooding my veins and seeping out of my soul before pouring out onto everyone else. I want to be that girl that never dissapoints anyone and is perfect.
I want to be perfect.
At least on the surface I want to look perfecet.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Scale
The scale is my best friend, and my worst enemy.
I haven't been on the scale in over a week, and it's killing me. I can feel my insides turning about. I need to get on the fucking scale. I don't want to be shaky anymore. I don't want "You've probably gained weight," to be running through my mind anymore. I have to know my weight. NOW.
Ana's love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it.
I haven't been on the scale in over a week, and it's killing me. I can feel my insides turning about. I need to get on the fucking scale. I don't want to be shaky anymore. I don't want "You've probably gained weight," to be running through my mind anymore. I have to know my weight. NOW.
Ana's love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it.
Mia
With her hand shaky slightly she turned the shower on, followed by the sinks. Her pale hand reached for the door knob and she quickly locked the bathroom door. She took a deep breath. "Stay calm," she thought to herself."No one is here. No one will hear." She grabbed a hair-tie and put her long blonde hair in a messy bun laying low on her neck. With her hand still shaking she sunk to her knees in front of the porcilen throne. She took one more deep breath before slowing sticking one finger to the back of her throat, pushing her fingers against her gag reflex. Coughing, she continued until she pushed the food up and out. Adrenaline coursed through her, keeping her twisting her fingers around in her mouth. More chewed up food fled her body, until there was nothing but blood and water coming out of her.
She sat for a few moments, letting herslef calm down before she stood and flushed the toliet. The she shred her clothes and jumped into the cool water and let it immerse her, and clean her. She wrapped her fingers around the soap and poured a little in her hand. She ran her hands across her body, letting it turn into a soapy mess. She stepped back under the water faucet and washed off. With quicker movements this time she fumbled around to get the hair-tie out of her hair so she could wash it. "Anything to get the stink off." Her body was shaking worse than before.
She reached out for the fluffy white towl hanigng on the rack near her shower after she turned the water off. Her knuckles on her left hand were red and swollen with little welts carefully placed. She let out a sigh and stared back at her reflection, not liking the fat girl staring back at her, while in reality there was a fraile looking girl standing there. She closed her eyes for a breif moment and let her thoughts wander back to when image didn't matter, and all she cared about was daddy coming home from work so that they could watch their favorite tv show from the 70's. Or even dance to their favorite songs, either from the 70's when her dad was growing up, or music closer to this day and age. Oh, she wished for those days to come back. She didn't want to be the monster she'd turned into anymore. She was sick of this constant battle fighting within her. She didn't want to deal with urge to stuff her face full with grease-filled, sugar contaminated food, then force it all out of her system.
She just wanted to be normal again.
She sat for a few moments, letting herslef calm down before she stood and flushed the toliet. The she shred her clothes and jumped into the cool water and let it immerse her, and clean her. She wrapped her fingers around the soap and poured a little in her hand. She ran her hands across her body, letting it turn into a soapy mess. She stepped back under the water faucet and washed off. With quicker movements this time she fumbled around to get the hair-tie out of her hair so she could wash it. "Anything to get the stink off." Her body was shaking worse than before.
She reached out for the fluffy white towl hanigng on the rack near her shower after she turned the water off. Her knuckles on her left hand were red and swollen with little welts carefully placed. She let out a sigh and stared back at her reflection, not liking the fat girl staring back at her, while in reality there was a fraile looking girl standing there. She closed her eyes for a breif moment and let her thoughts wander back to when image didn't matter, and all she cared about was daddy coming home from work so that they could watch their favorite tv show from the 70's. Or even dance to their favorite songs, either from the 70's when her dad was growing up, or music closer to this day and age. Oh, she wished for those days to come back. She didn't want to be the monster she'd turned into anymore. She was sick of this constant battle fighting within her. She didn't want to deal with urge to stuff her face full with grease-filled, sugar contaminated food, then force it all out of her system.
She just wanted to be normal again.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Day 2 (And 10 days till)
Yesterday was a 500cal day. My total calorie intake was 339.3. Today is also a 500cal today. My total (so far) is 378, which is already more than yesterday. My breakfast was gigantic. Damn my mother... Well, my dinner should be only a 90cal vegetarian veggie soup. So, my total for today should be only 468cal, which is still under my given calorie total.
That girl in the photo up there is really pretty after the ABC diet. I reallyreallyreally hope this works for me!
I'm also very happy to see so many people reading this... and to have a follower! This is exciting! Can't wait to see how this works for me!
I hope I get my phone back so that I can text my Ana-Buddies!
Oh, and there are 10 days till my birthday! I'm going to turn 14! YAY! It'll be nice to not have to round up my age to 14 and actually be 14! God, I'm excited! I'm going to go to a Poetry Slam on my birthday! Can't wait!
Hope you guys are having an awesome time with Ana! Love you all! Bye!
~AnaMia124
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Not Enough
I'm starting to believe 135 will NOT be enough for me. If it's in normal range, and what my mom thinks I should be, then no. If I look like this at 159, 135 can't be enough. Let's drop it to 115! Don't care if I get sent to a mental hospital. I MUST be thin.
Pictures
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| So ugly... fat and ugly. |
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| Ohmigod, I can't believe this is me AFTER loosing over 20lbs. |
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| Holy fucking shit. I want to die. |
Better than Me
Why do I torture myself and listen to that fucking song? I know that any time I listen to it it makes me cry. I can't keep doing this to myself, but I do. It's a great song, but dammit. It makes me think of Lucia. Of how much I miss her. Of how much I can't deal with not being with her. Even if I love Luddy, he doesn't fill that hole in my heart. It's like half of my heart isn't with me anymore. I don't feel whole without her. I'm not myself without my princess around. I am her sunshine... and I was stupid enough to end it. Twice. I'm a fucking horrible person.
I don't care if she lived 1,033 miles away. I don't care if it would have been a 17hr 22min drive to get to her house. I fucking miss her text messages, her sweet as sugar sayings (like "I will never <3 you, but I will always love you."), our phone calls that kept me up hours past my bedtime, the smutty text messages... I miss everything. My heart is just lying limp within me. My brain is screaming at me that I'm stupid and a horrible person.
I just want her back. I also want Luddy, seeing as he lives closer and goes to my school. If Lucia lived closer... I wouldn't be with anyone else. I would just stay with her no matter what. It's hard to do a long distance relationship. But fuck it. I'm almost about to say "Fuck love and relationships.They never work out anyways!"
I haven't told anyone all these feelings. And even this barely scrapes the surface at how much pain and agony I am in. I can only imagine how Lucia feels... And how Luddy will feel if he reads this.
I don't want to continue this. I am hurting myself. I hurt Lucia greatly and now she's not speaking to me. I hurt too many people. I don't have control over anything (but my eating) in my life anymore. I hatehatehateahate it.
Sorry that this wasn't much about Ana... I just had to get this out... Even if it barely helped me...
~AnaMia124
I don't care if she lived 1,033 miles away. I don't care if it would have been a 17hr 22min drive to get to her house. I fucking miss her text messages, her sweet as sugar sayings (like "I will never <3 you, but I will always love you."), our phone calls that kept me up hours past my bedtime, the smutty text messages... I miss everything. My heart is just lying limp within me. My brain is screaming at me that I'm stupid and a horrible person.
I just want her back. I also want Luddy, seeing as he lives closer and goes to my school. If Lucia lived closer... I wouldn't be with anyone else. I would just stay with her no matter what. It's hard to do a long distance relationship. But fuck it. I'm almost about to say "Fuck love and relationships.They never work out anyways!"
I haven't told anyone all these feelings. And even this barely scrapes the surface at how much pain and agony I am in. I can only imagine how Lucia feels... And how Luddy will feel if he reads this.
I don't want to continue this. I am hurting myself. I hurt Lucia greatly and now she's not speaking to me. I hurt too many people. I don't have control over anything (but my eating) in my life anymore. I hatehatehateahate it.
Sorry that this wasn't much about Ana... I just had to get this out... Even if it barely helped me...
~AnaMia124
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Wondering
I'm starting to wonder how Luddy would react if he ever found out. I mean, it's not like I could envision him taking it good at all. He'll probably freak out at me. Try and force me to eat. I'm worried of what kind of rift it would cause in our relationship. I'm worrying myself sick. It's bad. What if he breaks up with me because of it? What if he leaves me high and dry? How would my closest friends react? Just the same way as Luddy, I would expect. And my parents? Probably worse than anyone. The rest of my family? Oh dear. Random people at my school? They would think I am a freak. My teachers? They would think about what a poor dear I am.
God, no one can find out. It would cause such a mess. I need to stop worrying so much. No one is going to find out. I'm going to be fine... I'm going to be fine...
~AnaMia124
God, no one can find out. It would cause such a mess. I need to stop worrying so much. No one is going to find out. I'm going to be fine... I'm going to be fine...
~AnaMia124
I Did It.
I made it through this fast without giving in to any temptation. All I had caloire wise, was a V8 V-Fusion and Lemonade. A total calorie intake reaching 55. I am so fucking proud. This is my best day ever. I am in love with fasting.
I had a conversation with my dad in the car. It went like this:
"Hey, dad... I don't want anything for dinner" she said softly as she stared out of the car window.
"Okay, that's fine." Her heart stopped for a moment. Was he seriously saying it was okay? "Just make sure you're getting enough food."
"Oh, I am," says she softly again. She knows she's lying but, oh well. He can't know.
"Good. You do know that starving yourself actually causes you to gain weight," he says, with his voice shaking slightly.
"I know," she whispers. She wants to say, "Actually, only the first couple of days do you gain, but then you loose an insane amount. I would know." She keeps her mouth shut, though. Knowing if she dare mention anything of that sort, her father would surely figure out her dirty little secret. She reached her hand forward and turned the music up louder, signalling that this was the end of the conversation, and she didn't want to mention it again. The rest of the car ride was uneventful and not worth any mention.
Yeah... That's basically how it went. I didn't tell my dad about the fast, until an hour ago. Ha, it's nice being in so much control. I love this feeling. It's a high for me. I can't wait till I can do this all the time. I blame living with my parents for my inhabilty to keep up my Ana-Diet. I can't wait till I go to college and dorm with M-Style and fast for months on end. It keeps me sane.
I lovelovelovelovelove fasting.
~AnaMia124
I had a conversation with my dad in the car. It went like this:
"Hey, dad... I don't want anything for dinner" she said softly as she stared out of the car window.
"Okay, that's fine." Her heart stopped for a moment. Was he seriously saying it was okay? "Just make sure you're getting enough food."
"Oh, I am," says she softly again. She knows she's lying but, oh well. He can't know.
"Good. You do know that starving yourself actually causes you to gain weight," he says, with his voice shaking slightly.
"I know," she whispers. She wants to say, "Actually, only the first couple of days do you gain, but then you loose an insane amount. I would know." She keeps her mouth shut, though. Knowing if she dare mention anything of that sort, her father would surely figure out her dirty little secret. She reached her hand forward and turned the music up louder, signalling that this was the end of the conversation, and she didn't want to mention it again. The rest of the car ride was uneventful and not worth any mention.
Yeah... That's basically how it went. I didn't tell my dad about the fast, until an hour ago. Ha, it's nice being in so much control. I love this feeling. It's a high for me. I can't wait till I can do this all the time. I blame living with my parents for my inhabilty to keep up my Ana-Diet. I can't wait till I go to college and dorm with M-Style and fast for months on end. It keeps me sane.
I lovelovelovelovelove fasting.
~AnaMia124
Hell Yeah!
I didn't eat anything at the party! YES! I feel amazing... I am in so much control, it's so fucking awesome! I love this feeling! I really hate eating, and... today has just been amazing! I had a lot of fun at the party! It was skating, so I burned a lot of calories that way!
I'm a little worried about dinner, but oh well. If I can avoid food at a b-day party, I can avoid eating dinner!
Today has been amazing!
~AnaMia124
I'm a little worried about dinner, but oh well. If I can avoid food at a b-day party, I can avoid eating dinner!
Today has been amazing!
~AnaMia124
Thighs
Ugh... These are my patheticly gigantic thighs. Don't they suck ass? I can't wait untill I get a thigh gap. I am desprately hanging on to the idea of a thigh gap! It is such a brilliant image... God, I can't wait till I'm there!
I won't be happy till I have that. I won't be happy till my thighs won't touch when I walk, and won't spread when I sit down. I. want. a. thigh. gap. BADLY.
~AnaMia124
Crap
Day One, so far, has been good. Then again, I've only been up for an hour. Well shit man. I just remembered that I have a birthday party that I have to go to today. If I'm going to keep up my waterfast, this is going to be hard. Well, fuck it. I'm going to finally show how strong I am and I'm going to avoide all of the food. I'm not going to give up. I just can't. I've caved too much lately. I'm through with having no control. Today will show just how strong I am. I'll give an update on how well I did at the party! Hope you girlies have an awesome day!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Craving Thin
Am I just going to post religiously every day? I don't know, but today I am in a blogging mood I guess. Maybe it's because I've been on my damn laptop staring at photos of super skinny girls, that I wish I was, and reading pro-Ana blogs. It's like seeing my weight increase has set me down a stronger path with my beloved Ana. I need to see my weight go down. I need to be thin. I have a boyfriend now, but I want to keep him. He is 95 fucking pounds. What am I? 161. I'm 66lbs pounds more than him... Ugh. I really need to loose weight.
He may say that he likes me for me. He may say that he asked me out now because he finally got the courage. He may say he doesn't want me to change. I know those are lies though. I crave to be skinny. I crave to be small. Maybe not smaller than him, but I want him to be able to pick me up and spin me around. Is that too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask for my damn boyfriend to be able to pick me up? That sure as hell ain't happening now! I am way too big for him to do that. I am craving that feeling of being as wieghtless as the air. I am craving thin.
Craving thin... I am suffocating at this weight. All my thoughts revolve around being small. I am the biggest out of my friends (well, my boobs are pretty big, so that could be a reason but still). I hate that feeling. I can't share clothes with any of them. I always feel self-concious, because guess what!? More guys stare at them then me. I want to be pretty. My mind is telling me "You'll never be able to do it. You're a failure. That's why you got this big in the first place." And I want to give up. Give in. But I can't. I am going to push my own thoughts out and believe in Ana. I am going to fully accept her into my life. No more "I'm doing this, but not around my family." I'm going all out. Ana is my life.
I can't deal with this anymore. Either I am going to be thin, or I am going to die.
He may say that he likes me for me. He may say that he asked me out now because he finally got the courage. He may say he doesn't want me to change. I know those are lies though. I crave to be skinny. I crave to be small. Maybe not smaller than him, but I want him to be able to pick me up and spin me around. Is that too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask for my damn boyfriend to be able to pick me up? That sure as hell ain't happening now! I am way too big for him to do that. I am craving that feeling of being as wieghtless as the air. I am craving thin.
Craving thin... I am suffocating at this weight. All my thoughts revolve around being small. I am the biggest out of my friends (well, my boobs are pretty big, so that could be a reason but still). I hate that feeling. I can't share clothes with any of them. I always feel self-concious, because guess what!? More guys stare at them then me. I want to be pretty. My mind is telling me "You'll never be able to do it. You're a failure. That's why you got this big in the first place." And I want to give up. Give in. But I can't. I am going to push my own thoughts out and believe in Ana. I am going to fully accept her into my life. No more "I'm doing this, but not around my family." I'm going all out. Ana is my life.
I can't deal with this anymore. Either I am going to be thin, or I am going to die.
I feel like my emotions keep flip-floping. One moment, I'm all happy. The next I'm all emo. I don't know what's going on, but I keep bursting into tears at the weirdest moments. For an instant, I want to tell Luddy. I want to tell him that I am starving myself. I want to just let it out. I stop though. I look into the mirror and think "Oh, you can't have an eating disorder. You're too fat." And that calms me. I know that no one will believe me if I don't look like it. I know I have one, even though it's hard to admit. I'd rather call it a "lifestyle choice" but not many would agree with me on that. I do think though, at least in my case, that it is a lifestyle choice. I'm not going to tell Luddy. He would flip.
I also can't tell Luddy, because M-Style would loose it. This is our thing. I will keep it between us. It is our secret. We made a pact, and it's staying between us. I am not spilling it. I may be the Overshare Queen, who talks to much about sex and doesn't get phased by it, or lets too many people know some really stupid things, but this is something I just can't tell people. It's not something many people would be proud of or happy with.
The only thing keeping me going, is knowing that I will be thin. I can taste it. Thin is awaiting! I will get there, even if it is hard to believe.
I will keep you guys up to date on my Liquid (mostly water) Fast. I hope to keep it up for all of Saturday, hopefully most of Sunday, and then as much of Spring Break as possible. This is so important to me. I need to do this. I haven't been good lately.
I'll probably just spend my Spring Break gawking at beautifully thin girls. Hm... sounds like a pretty good Spring Break to me...
Well, I guess you'll hear from me tomorrow... and if I stay up late enough, you might get another post from me tonight... This blog is becoming my only hope... even if no one reads it, at least I am getting my feelings out. And maybe someone will read it and it will help them in their quest with Ana.
~AnaMia124
Inspired
After reading many blogs and looking at some thinspo, I am newly inspired. Though this week has been horrible for me, I have decided I can't let myself get into these anymore. I am seriously done with doing this shit! I am with Ana, and I am going to keep her with me no matter what. I love her... Now, anyone out there who has been dealing with this rebelion of our dear Ana, contact me. I will do anything to help those out there! I need your inpsiring stories, just as much as you need someone to listen... Ana is our common factor, even if nothing else matches up. We are her's, therefore, we are bonded. She is our forever leader, and we need to make sure to not disobey her so much. She knows that we rebel, but doesn't it just hurt us worse? It does. I am going to do a liquid fast for the rest of today and tomorrow. I don't know if I can do it Sunday, because it is Easter and that means a big family dinner, but I will do everything in my power to eat as little as I can.
I hate the suffocating feeling I get when food touches my lips, enters my mouth, slides down throat, and drops down to my stomach. I feel so fat and ugly when I eat. I crave the feeling of being empty. I crave excersice. What I crave the most, though, is thin.
This blog is helping me, as is reading other peoples inpiring blogs. I feel like I am filled with a new burning passion. I just hope M-Style is as motivated as me. If not, I hope her reading this fills her with inspiration.
I'm worried. I know that some of my friends are noticing me eating less. I know that they are worried about me. I am worried they will take Ana from me. This week was partly to try and show them I'm fine, and partly to show my family that I'm fine. I hated this week so much though. 2 fucking pounds... in one fucking week. It's the worst I've done since I accepted Ana into my life. I've realized that now, all I want is for them to fuck off and let me be. If this is the way I've decided to live, then they should accept it. Just like me being bi-sexual. No one has ANY right to judge me, well except for Ana and myself. If you want to tell me what I am doing is wrong, just leave. I really don't want to deal with any of you little fucks. This is my life. And though I may be worried about you taking Ana from me, I will be able to deal with your nosey-ness. Ana is mine and no one shall take her from me.
I seriously love everyone out there who doesn't judge, and can accept. This is the way I've decided to live, so just get over it. I want Ana in my life. I don't want her gone from me. She is mine. Mineminemineminemine! You may not take her from me. I love having her with me.
Thin is perfection, and I am willing to do anything for it. Thin is my life. Thin is everything. Thin is what controls my thoughts. Thin is what I know my 95lbs boyfriend wants, even if he won't admit it. Thin is what my parents want, because a fat daughter isn't good enough for them, if perfect is what they crave, then I shall throw a perfect daughter into their lives. Thin is what my brother says I am not, so I must be thin. Thin is what people see as impossible for me. Thin is what I know is so far, but I must get there. Thin is those collar bones that show, those hipbones that portrude from your perfectly flat stomach, and those thighs that don't touch. Thin is everything in this society. Thin is what I need. Thin is my life. Think Thin! THINthinTHINthinTHINthinTHIN! Think thin, my pretties.
I know we can do this. I know that everyone has that determination in them. I know that thin isn't just something you can dream about, but something you can be. I know that you can do it. I believe in every last one of you. I love you all, and will keep my thoughts on everyone out there so desprately reaching for perfection. Though it may fall from your grasp, you must continue to try. You must grab it again, and clutch to it tighter. No one can take this from you. No one.
You are your bones. Bones are pretty. Bones are covered by fat. Fat is what disfigures you. Fat is what makes you ugly. Everyone is pretty, but most are just covered by fat. You are pretty underneath all that fat. Fat isn't pretty. Do you want to sit at home, worrying about how you look in those shorts? Or that adorable mini-dress? Or that kick-ass bikini? No. Get rid of that horrible fat. Be pretty! BE THIN! Just be thin!
I'm even more inspired after writing this. I am inspired by so many things. Just stay inspired my darlings. I can't wait to hear some of your stories. I can't wait till I am another pretty girl walking down the streets surrounded by my Ana-friends. We will rule the world. Everyone will want to be us. Ana is our secret weapon. Let's use her to our advantage!
~AnaMia124
I hate the suffocating feeling I get when food touches my lips, enters my mouth, slides down throat, and drops down to my stomach. I feel so fat and ugly when I eat. I crave the feeling of being empty. I crave excersice. What I crave the most, though, is thin.
This blog is helping me, as is reading other peoples inpiring blogs. I feel like I am filled with a new burning passion. I just hope M-Style is as motivated as me. If not, I hope her reading this fills her with inspiration.
I'm worried. I know that some of my friends are noticing me eating less. I know that they are worried about me. I am worried they will take Ana from me. This week was partly to try and show them I'm fine, and partly to show my family that I'm fine. I hated this week so much though. 2 fucking pounds... in one fucking week. It's the worst I've done since I accepted Ana into my life. I've realized that now, all I want is for them to fuck off and let me be. If this is the way I've decided to live, then they should accept it. Just like me being bi-sexual. No one has ANY right to judge me, well except for Ana and myself. If you want to tell me what I am doing is wrong, just leave. I really don't want to deal with any of you little fucks. This is my life. And though I may be worried about you taking Ana from me, I will be able to deal with your nosey-ness. Ana is mine and no one shall take her from me.
I seriously love everyone out there who doesn't judge, and can accept. This is the way I've decided to live, so just get over it. I want Ana in my life. I don't want her gone from me. She is mine. Mineminemineminemine! You may not take her from me. I love having her with me.
Thin is perfection, and I am willing to do anything for it. Thin is my life. Thin is everything. Thin is what controls my thoughts. Thin is what I know my 95lbs boyfriend wants, even if he won't admit it. Thin is what my parents want, because a fat daughter isn't good enough for them, if perfect is what they crave, then I shall throw a perfect daughter into their lives. Thin is what my brother says I am not, so I must be thin. Thin is what people see as impossible for me. Thin is what I know is so far, but I must get there. Thin is those collar bones that show, those hipbones that portrude from your perfectly flat stomach, and those thighs that don't touch. Thin is everything in this society. Thin is what I need. Thin is my life. Think Thin! THINthinTHINthinTHINthinTHIN! Think thin, my pretties.
I know we can do this. I know that everyone has that determination in them. I know that thin isn't just something you can dream about, but something you can be. I know that you can do it. I believe in every last one of you. I love you all, and will keep my thoughts on everyone out there so desprately reaching for perfection. Though it may fall from your grasp, you must continue to try. You must grab it again, and clutch to it tighter. No one can take this from you. No one.
You are your bones. Bones are pretty. Bones are covered by fat. Fat is what disfigures you. Fat is what makes you ugly. Everyone is pretty, but most are just covered by fat. You are pretty underneath all that fat. Fat isn't pretty. Do you want to sit at home, worrying about how you look in those shorts? Or that adorable mini-dress? Or that kick-ass bikini? No. Get rid of that horrible fat. Be pretty! BE THIN! Just be thin!
~AnaMia124
Failure
Okay, so do any of you know that feeling that clouds your mind, makes your stomach reel, and your heart fill with dread? I do. It's been consuming me all week! I gained 2 pounds in one friggin' week. Like, seriously!?
Failure is such a miserable feeling.
Fat, Ugly, Cow, Failure, Disapointment, Anger, Stupid, Worthless. Those are just some of the words that suffocate me on a daily basis. The only person I can find comfort in is Ana. She's the only person who will take me in her arms and forgive me for every single thing I've done. She punishes me when I've done wrong, forcing me to stick my fingers down my throat till I puke my guts out. She's the only one who has the answer to being skinny. The only one who loves me, not for who I am, but for what I can be, and that's so much better than what I am now. Her determination sends me deeper into this. Ana is my only true friend. Well, Mia is too. Mia is the one that tells me there is an answer. She's Ana's best friend, and an accomplice that I feel I need to follow if I disobey the rules Ana gives me. Mia comes hand-in-hand with my dearest Ana.
You know you can do better.
I know Ana, I'm sorry.
You're pathetic. You need to realize that if you continue to binge this much, you're never going to be thin.
N-not going to be thin?
NO. Do you really think you would even be where you were if it weren't for me?
No...
Of course! You need to stop rebeling against me! I swear, there is only so much one can take.
Don't leave me, Ana!
I won't. Just work harder.
Yes ma'am. I swear to you! I pledge my eternal following. I will try as hard as I can to not leave your caring side again. I love you, Ana. You make me thin, pretty, everything I've always wanted to be. I will do anything for you.
Good, good. Now, my dear, remember. I will always accept you back into my arms. But, if you tell anyone, I will be forced to leave you. They will ruin our friendship.
They can't! I won't tell anyone! You mean to much to me for me to loose you. I don't want you gone from me. You're the only one I truly need in my life. Without you, I'd be even worse off!
Yes, you would. You must thank M-Style for that. She's the one that introduced us. M-Style is the only other person you may ever turn to, seeing as she is your ana-buddy. Let here now your fears, as she shares them. Share tricks with her. Be there for her. Got it?
Yes, I do. I will always keep M-Style by my side. I love her! She gave me you, and for that I will always be in her debt.
Haha. Stay strong, girl. You will make it one day, both you and M-Style. Remember, you WILL be fat if you eat today.
And that is a normal conversation I have with my dearest Ana. Guilt courses through me every time I hear her say how much she says she cares about me being thin. I can't disobey her anymore. It hurts me too much. I can't do it! Ana is my savior, and I must keep her close.
I love her so much...
~AnaMia124
Failure is such a miserable feeling.
Fat, Ugly, Cow, Failure, Disapointment, Anger, Stupid, Worthless. Those are just some of the words that suffocate me on a daily basis. The only person I can find comfort in is Ana. She's the only person who will take me in her arms and forgive me for every single thing I've done. She punishes me when I've done wrong, forcing me to stick my fingers down my throat till I puke my guts out. She's the only one who has the answer to being skinny. The only one who loves me, not for who I am, but for what I can be, and that's so much better than what I am now. Her determination sends me deeper into this. Ana is my only true friend. Well, Mia is too. Mia is the one that tells me there is an answer. She's Ana's best friend, and an accomplice that I feel I need to follow if I disobey the rules Ana gives me. Mia comes hand-in-hand with my dearest Ana.
You know you can do better.
I know Ana, I'm sorry.
You're pathetic. You need to realize that if you continue to binge this much, you're never going to be thin.
N-not going to be thin?
NO. Do you really think you would even be where you were if it weren't for me?
No...
Of course! You need to stop rebeling against me! I swear, there is only so much one can take.
Don't leave me, Ana!
I won't. Just work harder.
Yes ma'am. I swear to you! I pledge my eternal following. I will try as hard as I can to not leave your caring side again. I love you, Ana. You make me thin, pretty, everything I've always wanted to be. I will do anything for you.
Good, good. Now, my dear, remember. I will always accept you back into my arms. But, if you tell anyone, I will be forced to leave you. They will ruin our friendship.
They can't! I won't tell anyone! You mean to much to me for me to loose you. I don't want you gone from me. You're the only one I truly need in my life. Without you, I'd be even worse off!
Yes, you would. You must thank M-Style for that. She's the one that introduced us. M-Style is the only other person you may ever turn to, seeing as she is your ana-buddy. Let here now your fears, as she shares them. Share tricks with her. Be there for her. Got it?
Yes, I do. I will always keep M-Style by my side. I love her! She gave me you, and for that I will always be in her debt.
Haha. Stay strong, girl. You will make it one day, both you and M-Style. Remember, you WILL be fat if you eat today.
And that is a normal conversation I have with my dearest Ana. Guilt courses through me every time I hear her say how much she says she cares about me being thin. I can't disobey her anymore. It hurts me too much. I can't do it! Ana is my savior, and I must keep her close.
I love her so much...
~AnaMia124
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Today(:
Okay! Today was so awesome! Not only did a bunch of people comment on how much weight I've lost, but I got asked out by a guy I've liked all year! Today has been a great day, though I did feel like I was about to pass out in gym, and I was forced to eat more food than usual and we're going to have horrible food for dinner and cookies for desert... Um... Okay, so not a good day for Ana, but a good day in all the other aspects of my life! Okay... I really need to get back on my Ana track! I hope things work out better for the rest of the week!
The reason I'm not purging is because the last time I did it, I really hurt my throat and now I'm quite scared to do it again, seeing as I couldn't talk for a hour afterwards! Well, Toota-loo!
~AnaMia124
The reason I'm not purging is because the last time I did it, I really hurt my throat and now I'm quite scared to do it again, seeing as I couldn't talk for a hour afterwards! Well, Toota-loo!
~AnaMia124
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