Since starting summer started a week ago, I have eaten my heart.
A consistant binge. Will it ever end? I need to stop this.
I hurt so much...
I keep abusing my body...
Someone stop this.
Please.
Goddammit. I need to stop bigning and then not purging, but I promised, no purging until I am back from PA. I hate that I made that promise, but I did. I really need this to stop...
Someone please... Help me. PLEASE.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
No More Trust, No More Anything
I can't trust people anymore. I want people to leave me alone. I can't trust people! I can't believe that people can just go around and talk shit about me, when I thought I could trust them. That's was all I needed to finally push me back into myself.
No more trusting people.
No more loving people.
No more being hurt.
Everyone needs to leave me alone.
Everyone needs to shut the fuck up.
EVERYONE JUST LET ME WALLOW IN MY DAMN MISERY!
I can't do this anymore... I really can't continue this way... I just can't deal with people anymore.
Leave me alone.
Let me die.
Die.
Please.
I need to get away from all of this.
I need my life to be normal.
I need stability and true friends.
I need to find someone I can trust and love.
No more of this.
NO MORE.
Kill me now.
No more trusting people.
No more loving people.
No more being hurt.
Everyone needs to leave me alone.
Everyone needs to shut the fuck up.
EVERYONE JUST LET ME WALLOW IN MY DAMN MISERY!
I can't do this anymore... I really can't continue this way... I just can't deal with people anymore.
Leave me alone.
Let me die.
Die.
Please.
I need to get away from all of this.
I need my life to be normal.
I need stability and true friends.
I need to find someone I can trust and love.
No more of this.
NO MORE.
Kill me now.
This is it
Okay. I am seriously done with this.
This weekend was teh first weekend of summer, so of course I hung out with friends. And binged the entire weekend. Well, I used lax at least this weekend.
But since monday, I've been eating normally, making Lovina happy, but it makes me angry. I feel like shit.
And right now, all I want to do is binge like crazy and purge for the first time in forever. I'm very ready to lose myself in the binging and purging cycle.
Worst of all, next week I am going to my Grandmother's house and she's going to force me to eat a bunch, and how the fuck am I going to purge there? And I don't have laxatives. Being 14 means I have no money to go and buy laxatives and it's not like I can ask my mom to buy them for me. I'm fucking pissed.
This summer was supposed to be filled with little food and the end of my binging and purging, but nope. I'm not going to lose any more weight unless I get someone in my life and they slap me and tell me to do better. I can't do that for myself.
The thinspiration I used to look at to get inspiration is now just too fat. I need to be tinner. I can't stand being a size 9/10 (pants size) and Medium (shirts) at Maurices. I can't deal with this. I cannot fucking deal with being this big. I need to be smaller. I need to be fucking smaller.
I'm sitting here, crying, writing this shit. pouring a little of my heart out to all of you that read my blog. I don't even understand how my life can be spirialing into this. I need someone to put me back in line, but M-Style doesn't do that anymore. She's trying to make sure I am not going to get too tiny while she sits back and becomes skinny as fuck. I need someone who won't do that to me.
I need someone who isn't going to try and make me feel like I need to get better. I just need someone who will hep me and not make me feel like a failure. Please... someone just fucking help me. I need someone in my life that can talk to me all the time and make me feel... good. Like I'm doing this correctly instead of guilting me into eating. Someone fucking save my soul! I fucking need someone... I can't continue to be a failure... Ana is screaming at me... Screaming at my that I can't do this anymore... That I need to cut my pain out... or just... just finally end all of it.
That's the answer. Either I stop this binging or I end my life.
I have my answer.
This weekend was teh first weekend of summer, so of course I hung out with friends. And binged the entire weekend. Well, I used lax at least this weekend.
But since monday, I've been eating normally, making Lovina happy, but it makes me angry. I feel like shit.
And right now, all I want to do is binge like crazy and purge for the first time in forever. I'm very ready to lose myself in the binging and purging cycle.
Worst of all, next week I am going to my Grandmother's house and she's going to force me to eat a bunch, and how the fuck am I going to purge there? And I don't have laxatives. Being 14 means I have no money to go and buy laxatives and it's not like I can ask my mom to buy them for me. I'm fucking pissed.
This summer was supposed to be filled with little food and the end of my binging and purging, but nope. I'm not going to lose any more weight unless I get someone in my life and they slap me and tell me to do better. I can't do that for myself.
The thinspiration I used to look at to get inspiration is now just too fat. I need to be tinner. I can't stand being a size 9/10 (pants size) and Medium (shirts) at Maurices. I can't deal with this. I cannot fucking deal with being this big. I need to be smaller. I need to be fucking smaller.
I'm sitting here, crying, writing this shit. pouring a little of my heart out to all of you that read my blog. I don't even understand how my life can be spirialing into this. I need someone to put me back in line, but M-Style doesn't do that anymore. She's trying to make sure I am not going to get too tiny while she sits back and becomes skinny as fuck. I need someone who won't do that to me.
I need someone who isn't going to try and make me feel like I need to get better. I just need someone who will hep me and not make me feel like a failure. Please... someone just fucking help me. I need someone in my life that can talk to me all the time and make me feel... good. Like I'm doing this correctly instead of guilting me into eating. Someone fucking save my soul! I fucking need someone... I can't continue to be a failure... Ana is screaming at me... Screaming at my that I can't do this anymore... That I need to cut my pain out... or just... just finally end all of it.
That's the answer. Either I stop this binging or I end my life.
I have my answer.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Things That Happened Today
1) Woke up at 10:30am
2) Got ready for the day
3) Went over to friends house
4) Asked said friend's boyfriend (and one of my closest guy friends) if it would be hot for us to make out
5) Go to mall with said friend.
6) Said friend buy me a thong
6.5) Spend forever reading the Wicca books with said friend
7) Go home
8) Skype with closest guy friend (the one I asked about kissing)
9) Get in fight on facebook with a girl I don't know.
10) Become best friends with girl I fought with because we are both Potterheads.
This was not a normal day. Oh wellZzz it was fun.
2) Got ready for the day
3) Went over to friends house
4) Asked said friend's boyfriend (and one of my closest guy friends) if it would be hot for us to make out
5) Go to mall with said friend.
6) Said friend buy me a thong
6.5) Spend forever reading the Wicca books with said friend
7) Go home
8) Skype with closest guy friend (the one I asked about kissing)
9) Get in fight on facebook with a girl I don't know.
10) Become best friends with girl I fought with because we are both Potterheads.
This was not a normal day. Oh wellZzz it was fun.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
"Don't be bulimic!"
"Delaney, just don't... Don't be bulimic, okay?"
"Why would I be? Vomit scares me!"
"Okay... Good... I just... Wanted to make sure."
A conversation like this, can leave one's mind frazzled and heart racing. A conversation like this, can cause a binging and purging session. A conversation like this, leaves one terrified of what's going on and who suspects her of having an eating disorder.
A conversation like this, can leave one wondering if she is a bulimic or not. Consistent sessions of binging and purging followed by restriction and no purging, then back to binging and purging... A constant cycle. Abuse of laxatives and stealing mom's diet pills. No loss of period yet...
Am I bulimic? Did I lie to my friends yet again? Is my eating disorder Bulimia Nervosa? Am I something I terrified of being? Am I doing something I swore I would never be?
"Why would I be? Vomit scares me!"
"Okay... Good... I just... Wanted to make sure."
A conversation like this, can leave one's mind frazzled and heart racing. A conversation like this, can cause a binging and purging session. A conversation like this, leaves one terrified of what's going on and who suspects her of having an eating disorder.
A conversation like this, can leave one wondering if she is a bulimic or not. Consistent sessions of binging and purging followed by restriction and no purging, then back to binging and purging... A constant cycle. Abuse of laxatives and stealing mom's diet pills. No loss of period yet...
Am I bulimic? Did I lie to my friends yet again? Is my eating disorder Bulimia Nervosa? Am I something I terrified of being? Am I doing something I swore I would never be?
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Lost in a Sea of Despair.
I am lost... Searching for something much bigger than what I am, or something I can't get from talking to my friends.
I'm searching for stability.
I want a normal personality, not two. I switch. And it's because of my other half, the other me inside my brain.
She's the ED, the self hatred, everything.
Without her, though, would I be as good a writer? Would I still be able to understand so much? Would I be the same person?
No.
And I know that for a fact. Because, the me that's writing right now, the one controlling, doesn't like to speak up. She's shy... She's... Different.
With them both, there's somewhat of a balance on the outside, on the inside, I'm a fighting mess.
With medication, would I be a balance of the two, or would one of them win over?
I'm terrified... Can someone help me?
I'm searching for stability.
I want a normal personality, not two. I switch. And it's because of my other half, the other me inside my brain.
She's the ED, the self hatred, everything.
Without her, though, would I be as good a writer? Would I still be able to understand so much? Would I be the same person?
No.
And I know that for a fact. Because, the me that's writing right now, the one controlling, doesn't like to speak up. She's shy... She's... Different.
With them both, there's somewhat of a balance on the outside, on the inside, I'm a fighting mess.
With medication, would I be a balance of the two, or would one of them win over?
I'm terrified... Can someone help me?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall
Today, when I look in the mirror, what I see scares me.
Not because I look fat, or anything even remotely anorexic.
But when I look in the mirror, I don't see a girl staring back at me. I see a boy hidden behind girls clothes wanting to break free.
And it scares me.
Not because I don't think it's not okay to be transgender, but because...I've always been a girly-girl. I've always loved frilly dressy and bright colors, but now... I'm starting to find guys clothes more appealing, I like the idea of having something in-between my legs, and I like the idea of being a boy.
I'm terrified.
I've been having these feelings for a while now, but this is the hardest it's hit and for the longest.
I don't want to look at a mirror. I don't want to see the boy staring back at me. I don't want to be scared of it.
But I am.
And I'm slowly loosing myself, un-winding and falling.
If I was a boy, would I still be EDNOS?
If I was a boy, would people still love me and want to be my friend?
If I was a boy, would I hate myself this much?
If I was a boy, would I be happy?
I'm desperately searching, frantically worrying, extremely terrified.
Who am I?
Was I supposed to be a boy?
Help me.
Not because I look fat, or anything even remotely anorexic.
But when I look in the mirror, I don't see a girl staring back at me. I see a boy hidden behind girls clothes wanting to break free.
And it scares me.
Not because I don't think it's not okay to be transgender, but because...I've always been a girly-girl. I've always loved frilly dressy and bright colors, but now... I'm starting to find guys clothes more appealing, I like the idea of having something in-between my legs, and I like the idea of being a boy.
I'm terrified.
I've been having these feelings for a while now, but this is the hardest it's hit and for the longest.
I don't want to look at a mirror. I don't want to see the boy staring back at me. I don't want to be scared of it.
But I am.
And I'm slowly loosing myself, un-winding and falling.
If I was a boy, would I still be EDNOS?
If I was a boy, would people still love me and want to be my friend?
If I was a boy, would I hate myself this much?
If I was a boy, would I be happy?
I'm desperately searching, frantically worrying, extremely terrified.
Who am I?
Was I supposed to be a boy?
Help me.
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