This is it

Okay. I am seriously done with this.

This weekend was teh first weekend of summer, so of course I hung out with friends. And binged the entire weekend. Well, I used lax at least this weekend.

But since monday, I've been eating normally, making Lovina happy, but it makes me angry. I feel like shit.

And right now, all I want to do is binge like crazy and purge for the first time in forever. I'm very ready to lose myself in the binging and purging cycle.

Worst of all, next week I am going to my Grandmother's house and she's going to force me to eat a bunch, and how the fuck am I going to purge there? And I don't have laxatives. Being 14 means I have no money to go and buy laxatives and it's not like I can ask my mom to buy them for me. I'm fucking pissed.

This summer was supposed to be filled with little food and the end of my binging and purging, but nope. I'm not going to lose any more weight unless I get someone in my life and they slap me and tell me to do better. I can't do that for myself.

The thinspiration I used to look at to get inspiration is now just too fat. I need to be tinner. I can't stand being a size 9/10 (pants size) and Medium (shirts) at Maurices. I can't deal with this. I cannot fucking deal with being this big. I need to be smaller. I need to be fucking smaller.

I'm sitting here, crying, writing this shit. pouring a little of my heart out to all of you that read my blog. I don't even understand how my life can be spirialing into this. I need someone to put me back in line, but M-Style doesn't do that anymore. She's trying to make sure I am not going to get too tiny while she sits back and becomes skinny as fuck. I need someone who won't do that to me.

I need someone who isn't going to try and make me feel like I need to get better. I just need someone who will hep me and not make me feel like a failure. Please... someone just fucking help me. I need someone in my life that can talk to me all the time and make me feel... good. Like I'm doing this correctly instead of guilting me into eating. Someone fucking save my soul! I fucking need someone... I can't continue to be a failure... Ana is screaming at me... Screaming at my that I can't do this anymore... That I need to cut my pain out... or just... just finally end all of it.

That's the answer. Either I stop this binging or I end my life.

I have my answer.