Sunday, May 27, 2012

Things That Happened Today

1) Woke up at 10:30am
2) Got ready for the day
3) Went over to friends house
4) Asked said friend's boyfriend (and one of my closest guy friends) if it would be hot for us to make out
5) Go to mall with said friend.
6) Said friend buy me a thong
6.5) Spend forever reading the Wicca books with said friend
7) Go home
8) Skype with closest guy friend (the one I asked about kissing)
9) Get in fight on facebook with a girl I don't know.
10) Become best friends with girl I fought with because we are both Potterheads.

This was not a normal day. Oh wellZzz it was fun.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

"Don't be bulimic!"

"Delaney, just don't... Don't be bulimic, okay?"

"Why would I be? Vomit scares me!"

"Okay... Good... I just... Wanted to make sure."

A conversation like this, can leave one's mind frazzled and heart racing. A conversation like this, can cause a binging and purging session. A conversation like this, leaves one terrified of what's going on and who suspects her of having an eating disorder.

A conversation like this, can leave one wondering if she is a bulimic or not. Consistent sessions of binging and purging followed by restriction and no purging, then back to binging and purging... A constant cycle. Abuse of laxatives and stealing mom's diet pills. No loss of period yet...

Am I bulimic? Did I lie to my friends yet again? Is my eating disorder Bulimia Nervosa? Am I something I terrified of being? Am I doing something I swore I would never be?

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Lost in a Sea of Despair.

I am lost... Searching for something much bigger than what I am, or something I can't get from talking to my friends.

I'm searching for stability.

I want a normal personality, not two. I switch. And it's because of my other half, the other me inside my brain.

She's the ED, the self hatred, everything.

Without her, though, would I be as good a writer? Would I still be able to understand so much? Would I be the same person?

No.

And I know that for a fact. Because, the me that's writing right now, the one controlling, doesn't like to speak up. She's shy... She's... Different.

With them both, there's somewhat of a balance on the outside, on the inside, I'm a fighting mess.

With medication, would I be a balance of the two, or would one of them win over?

I'm terrified... Can someone help me?